My life has been BEYOND crazy. All through my adult life, when I have shared bits and pieces of my story I've often heard, "YOU SHOULD WRITE A BOOK!" Lol. Well, tbh, one day I would really like to... but for today... LET ME SHARE THIS!
In 2008 I began SERIOUSLY pursuing healing from mental illness. My childhood wasn't the greatest, a lot happened that set my life up for major mental illness issues. I wanted relief, but in 2008 I became DESPERATE for it. My daughter had already let the words pass her lips, "I just want to die" when she was SEVEN years old. In 2008 though... we were driving down the road and I glanced over and saw about 50 cut marks from her wrist down to the bend in her elbow. WTAF! Suicidal ideology was a part of my almost daily life since I was a teenager, and cutting... ya I visited that to divert the pain I carried. But why my daughter??? I understand my struggles of ZERO self worth, but I did everything I could to prevent that from happening to my kids.
When I saw those cut marks on my baby girl, I kicked my ass into overdrive. I knew if I was to have the ability to help her... I HAD to learn how to help myself. Man, I sure didn't expect my journey to healing to take as long as it did. It took me into four inpatient trauma mental hospital/programs, three failed suicide attempts, relocation from Texas to Georgia (to escape toxicity), and literally being on the verge of utter homelessness TWICE, I'm actually in the middle of the second one as I type, lets just be total transparent here,
Wanna hear some pretty freaking fabulous news? I am done with my search for healing of my mental health issues. I AM HEALED! Now, wait a minute before you start scratching your head. This is what I mean by HEALED. When I was a kid, my life circumstance left me with no foundation for life, major self hatred, crazy abandonment issues, ummmm ZERO self esteem, absolutely positively NO communication skills, the idea that if I do not please people 100% of the time I'm a looser and should just die, and more shit like that. That set me up for an adult life that was spent in wrong relationships, pouring out all of me to people who had no desire to pour into me, surrounding myself with critical people who let me know just how much I got on their nerves, having zero boundaries for myself and literally loosing myself to make any man who graced me with their presence happy. My first three treatment experiences were profound, they helped me to start to get some type of stability in my life... but oh my... my FOURTH treatment ROCKED MY WORLD! It was the bow tied onto my mental health journey and I walked away completely FREE. Anxiety, depression, intrusive unwanted suicidal thoughts, defensiveness, hateful self talk, utterly irrational thinking, and a racing mind that JUST WILL NOT STOP.... are all gone. GONE!! I feel like a completely new person. It literally blows me away every once in a while. What I am left with is a fortified foundation under my feet. I know life will never be easy. I also know that I will no longer make it MUCH harder than it needs to be!
I know that there are so many out there who are traveling along a similar path that I did, searching for healing in their souls/minds. I would like to document some of what I found that has given me this freedom, maybe it could help you or someone you love? I'll be doing a few blog entries on specific items that brought me peace and helped me to FINALLY calm all the chaos in my head.
Stay tuned!
~Joy
